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THE HELLVIS 2007 COMEBACK SPECIAL

June 11th 2007 11:30

Hellvis left the building, but they're resolving their emotional differences

For anyone weeping in their milkshakes—while it brings all the boys to the yard, and I’m like, mine’s better than yours, and I could teach you, but I’d have to charge—thinking that Hellvis had left the building for good, don’t fret, unless you play guitar (oh man was that shit). Hellvis will be back in the next few weeks, catching up on the reviews he has promised his faithful visitors, and posting up a huge backlog of Tsunami reviews without changing them because that takes too much effort.

Hellvis has been attempting to rectify his year three education by finishing his Creative Writing degree. There’s another semester to go, then maybe post-grad or an hilarious European vacation with Chevy Chase and German teenagers in training bras. I can’t afford the latter, so it’ll probably be the former.

So I’ll still be pretty busy for a while, and if I’m honest, I foresee that I simply won’t have the time to generate new material for the blog. The Earache Hotel will probably become a repository for my music writings for other publications, and maybe a few random musings. I’ll still be open to dialogue and such with anyone who wants to, so check in and let’s ramble.

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POLISHED TURDS & HOT LITTLE NUGGETS: SHORTER REVIEWS NOW AT EARACHE HOTEL

March 5th 2007 14:15

I’ve had enough of this shit, ya hear!? This whole reviewing thing is just drivin’ the ol’ Hellvis up the wall til’ he’s dancin’ on the ceilin’ with Billy Ocean or Lionel Richie (is there a difference? Only DNA testing will tell). I’m late with the Ween review that was promised last week, and everything’s just swirling and mounting like an explosive diarrhoea hurricane in my stomach.

So here’s the deal. From now on, I’m imposing a word limit to my reviews. I already work to a 200 word limit for my Tsunami reviews, and I’ve found this to be a good way of organising my thoughts and summing up what I want to say without all the excess dribble that I feel the need to spray forth when I’m given free reign.

This will hopefully have a few positive effects:

a) Shorter reviews are more easily read and absorbed by you, my beloved brothers ‘n’ sisters in rock. Hopefully this will make the site more accessible. I’m sure you don’t have all day to listen to me crap on about how much I think I know about music and make your eyes hurt. Rather than wrenching out warm slimy paragraph after paragraph, my reviews will now be hot little nuggets. Hot little nuggets might attract more readers.

2) I think shorter reviews will improve my writing. Constraints force you to stretch your abilities and imagination, and my current lack of them has made me a bit lazy. Without trying to tell you everything I know like some kind of self-indulgent jerk I will hopefully be able to craft better reviews that will provoke a response rather than making people feel like there’s nothing left to say. I would prefer to talk about music with people, not talk music AT them, which I feel I am doing now. You can’t polish a turd but you can polish a nugget (even when it’s still a turd).

#) Shorter reviews will be easier for me to edit and make sparkly and nice, which will give me time to do more reviews, and maybe some other types of posts like the videos which I have been neglecting of late. At the moment I squat and sweat over the reviews for hours and hours: taking notes, squeezing, writing, grunting, editing, shitting. Writing these reviews has become a slow and painful process, and I don’t think it’s yielding results that are the equivalent of the effort put in. Shorter reviews will make me more regular, and that’s healthy for everyone.

)) I don't know shit. Long reviews may give the appearance that I do know shit, but it's not really true. Yes, I listen to and read a lot about music, but my lack of knowledge is beginning to embarrass me. The fewer words I write, the more I can focus on what I do know, rather than trying to pad things out with useless information that people can just search on Google. I'll still do research and try to learn, but I don't have to tell you everything. That's boring and betrays a lack of craft and restraint.

CD reviews will now conform roughly to a 400 word limit. EPs and singles will be 150-200 words, and the little descriptions I provide for the Albums of the Month will be 50 words (or maybe 100—I’ll see how I go). Double CDs or box sets like Tom Waits’s Orphans will be 500 words, maybe 600 tops. The new limits will be implemented starting with the Ween review which is coming shortly.

Any feedback on this fresh and aromatic new vision for the b(l)og would be much appreciated. Any complaints about the overuse of the faecal analogy can be directed to that guy in the Myer Centre who served me the dodgy Tortellini Funghi.

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RECORD REVIEWS INDEX

January 12th 2007 11:19

This here is the place where y’all will find the record reviews. It will be updated regularly and organised in alphabetical order, to make it easier for you and all your kin to find what you’re lookin’ for. I hope to accumulate a big-ass number of reviews for you to browse through while you stay at the Earache Hotel: reviews to teach you ‘n’ direct you towards the fiery, healin’ power of rock ‘n’ roll.

Each album is a holy document: a sacred text passed down from on high like gospel. Some will fill you with the joy of thousand summer afternoons, some will be like a shepherd to guide when you are lost, some will succor you durin’ troubled times, and some just plain suck. But while the quality of these releases may vary, each is pure ‘n’ special in its own way, and in your time of need may be there to aid you. While I have passed judgement on these albums, they will never pass judgement upon you or me (unless it’s a Dead Kennedys’ album or something; that Jello Biafra must love to keep clean cuz he's always on his soapbox).

I urge y’all to add your own comments, and even your own reviews of the albums included, so that together, we can better understand this mysterious force that surges through us: this music that at once corrupts and redeems us: that destroys us and makes us whole again.

Can I get a hallelujah?

A

B
BIRD BLOBS: BIRD BLOBS (2004)

C
COCOROSIE: NOAH’S ARK (2005)
CONVERGE: YOU FAIL ME (2004)

D
THE DANGERMEN: THE DARK PLACE (2006)
DEAD DAY SUN: BLESS THE BROODING HEART (2006)
DEAD KENNEDYS: PLASTIC SURGERY DISASTERS (1982)
THE DEVEREAUX: KILL IT (2005)

E

F
FLAMING LIPS: AT WAR WITH THE MYSTICS (2006)
FROU-FROU FOXES: FROU-FROU FOXES (2006)

G

H

I

J
JESUS LIZARD: DOWN (1994)
JOY DIVISION: UNKNOWN PLEASURES (1979)

K

L

M
MELVINS: (A) SENILE ANIMAL (2006)

N

O

P
PHARAOHS: MEDICINES (2006)

Q
QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE: LULLABIES TO PARALYZE (2005)

R
RADIO BIRDMAN: ZENO BEACH (2006)
REGULATIONS: REGULATIONS (2005)

S
SONIC YOUTH: THE DESTROYED ROOM (2006)

T
THUNDERBIRDS ARE NOW!: MAKE HISTORY (2006)
TURNPIKE: HUMANS FIND PATTERNS... (2006)

U

V
VARIOUS ARTISTS: SUBURBAN MAYHEM ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK (2006)

W
TOM WAITS: ORPHANS: BRAWLERS, BAWLERS & BASTARDS (2006)
WOLFMOTHER: WOLFMOTHER (2005)

X

Y
YEAH YEAH YEAHS: SHOW YOUR BONES (2006)

Z

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EARACHE HOTEL YOUTUBE UPDATES

November 27th 2006 07:17

Havin' only just recently discovered how to include Youtube videos in my posts, below is a list of some older posts that have been updated with extra special Youtube yumminess.

I don't have broadband at my place and downloading these things takes forever, so I can't include as much Youtube as I would like. I'll try and rectify this situation as soon as possible. But in the meantime, feast your peepers on these beauties

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HELLVIS: THE ORIGIN STORY (PART III)

November 6th 2006 01:00

Hellvis was the last to perform at Brisbane's beloved Cloudland Ballroom

I know I said this would be up on Friday, but there was a crisis at the Earache Hotel over the weekend that required my skills with people managment, diplomacy, and industrial grade disinfectant Hell, it’s not like anyone’s reading anyway. But if you are, please let me know and post a comment and vote.

This is the third and final instalment of The Colonel’s verbose epic. If you’re curious about the previous episodes, just click here for Part I and here for Part II. Part II has changed quite significantly thanks to a more thorough inspection of my notes. Here's Part III

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HELLVIS: THE ORIGIN STORY (PART II)

November 1st 2006 12:00

Fans came from everwhere to toast marshmallows on Hellvis's crotch

Howdy again. Here is Part II of the story told to me earlier this week by the mysterious southern gentleman I have dubbed The Colonel. It’s hard to say how much of what he said was true, but it’s started a major identity crisis and much soul searchin’ for ol’ Hellvis over here at the Earache Hotel. Part I of The Hellvis Origin Story can be found here.

The Colonel motioned towards me for another sarsaparilla. The guy was knockin’ ‘em down fast and I hadn’t seen so much as a thank you from him yet, let alone any money. This is what he said

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HELLVIS: THE ORIGIN STORY (PART I)

October 30th 2006 13:05

Cletus the Slack-jawed Foetus: Hell totally sucks dude

A while back, Voices in My Head asked me why I have the name Hellvis (no, not those voices; the Voices that moderates the Voices In My Head and Muzikal Mafia blogs). Anyway, she asked me, and I gave her what I thought was a well-thought-out, honest answer. For the curious, that conversation can be found here.

But something happened yesterday that started me questioning my very identity

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RATIN': EARACHE HOTEL RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED

October 18th 2006 15:33

'Ratin' is a game that grown-ups play / Ratin' means acting in a silly way / Ratin' makes girls start wiggle walking / Ratin' makes a guy start baby talking'

Ratin'. Such an important factor when puttin’ together one o’ these record review type deals. After ogling a couple of other similar sites I’ve decided to opt for the time-honoured five star system. The five star system is also used to rate hotels. The Earache Hotel is a hotel. See where I'm goin' with this?

I don’t really enjoy giving someone’s creative output a score out of five, and my opinion on albums can change pretty much every time I hear them. The real meat can be found in the body of the reviews. The reviews themselves are like a big ol’ crawfish: sweet, fresh, and ready to cook. Actually, they're nothing like a big ol' crawfish. Still, if you’re not a reader, the ratin's give you an idea of what I thought of the album at a glance (not that you'd know cuz you're not reading this

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