HELLVIS: THE ORIGIN STORY (PART I)
October 30th 2006 13:05
Cletus the Slack-jawed Foetus: Hell totally sucks dude
But something happened yesterday that started me questioning my very identity.
I was just hangin’ out in the Earache Hotel, putting those little bottles of shampoo in all the bathrooms so that my visitors could have nice-smellin’ hair (but not as nice as mine; that’s why they’re only little bottles), when a mysterious southern gentleman with black feathered shoulders and a Stetson hat checked in, offering gruff mutterings of stories and theories as to my origin. We will call this dark stranger The Colonel, because it’s suitably mysterious and because I forgot what his name is. It turns out the memories I had of my past are a li’l hazy, and so I wrote down all I could of what The Colonel said cuz I figured it might come in handy.
The Colonel smoked a big cigar that smelt of sulphur and made his voice all husky and gross, so I poured him a sarsaparilla to lubricate his vocal chords. The following is a rough transcription of what he told me:
“As you may well know, Elvis Aaron Presley was born a twin on January 8, 1935. This was in a real shitshack in Tupelo Mississippi—I’m talkin’ squalor, boy. It sure was unsanitary, but Elvis succeeded in bein’ birthed into this wretched, two-room hovel: a healthy, bouncy boy. Unfortunately, his poor twin brother Jesse, came out stillborn.
Now, Elvis was destined to go to Hell for playin’ the devil’s music see, and also because his name is an anagram of evils: the plural of evil and thus much more evil than regular, singular evil. That’s how evil works, my boy: it’s as much in the words you use as it is in the deeds you do. Yessiree, Elvis was destined for the pits of Hades, but the thing is, there was a mixup in Hell. A helluva mix up. Hawhawhaw.”
The Colonel continued laughing like this until he hacked up some phlegm while I scribbled his ranting down furiously, a little unsure about where he was going with it all. The Colonel cleared his throat and continued:
“Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, at the time of li’l Jesse’s passing, Hell’s minions came to collect Elvis to make him atone for his sins: like throwin’ pool cues at women, getting’ the FBI to investigate the Beatles, and actin’ in all those shitty movies. Now, I know what yer thinkin’: ‘why would Hell’s minions come to collect the soul of Elvis Presley when he was just a li’l baby and ain’t done nothin’ to hurt no one.’ Well ya see, although Elvis’s time of judgement would not occur until 1977, 42 years after his twin’s death and after an accumulation of horrible deeds, time is not measured in the same way in Hell. Forty-two years of our time can translate to only a second of Hell time, while a second of our time might equal three weeks worth of time in Hell. Are ya followin’ me?”
I nodded, and The Colonel hacked some more, so I grabbed him a spittoon from behind the counter. The Colonel had more to tell:
“This is how the mixup was made: Hell’s minions were only really early by three minutes, but it was enough time for ‘em to take li’l Jesse—and the boys looked near identical, bein’ twins ‘n’ all.
So, li’l Jesse the stillborn foetus grew up in the bowels of Hell: brought up by demons. I ain’t real sure what they made Jesse do, but it was sure to be wicked ‘n’ evil. Some folks even say that they made Jesse listen to every album Elvis ever recorded—even that Christmas shit he put out every year. Worse than that, he had to listen to ‘em playin’ all at once, while watchin’ Elvis movies on an endless loop. Have you seen that scene in 'A Clockwork Orange' where Malcom McDowell is gettin’ shown movies of Hitler and people makin’ whoopie ‘n’ all that while Beethoven is playin’ in the background? Well that’s what they say this was like, only worse. The torture that Jesse suffered at the hands of his demon caretakers left him with recurrin’ amnesia and an irrational fear of Hawaiian shirts. They nicknamed him ‘Cletus, the Slack-jawed Foetus’, on account of the way his jaw dropped after all the trauma he’d been through. Actually, that part's pretty funny”
The Colonel hacked and coughed in between puffs of his cigar, spitting black muck into the spittoon. “Now get me another sarsaparilla will ya?” he added.
I poured another glass of the fizzy dark liquid, handed it The Colonel, and he downed it in one gulp. Then he proceeded to tell me what happened to Elvis’s’ brother Jesse once he got out of Hell.
Stay tuned for part two on Wednesday.
***
IMAGES
Hellvis Foetus
(image created by Hellvis)
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Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Oh but my goodness, I see where this is going. It explains so much...your fear of hawaiian shirts...the horns.
Come here you little demon. *Virtually hugging you and stroking your head........and wiping my hands on the back of your jacket.*
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
I feel the same impulse to nurture li'l Jesse but also feel he should have been flung against a wall for being gross.
So many conflicting emotions.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Well, do what I do...hug then fling. It works everything out and no bottled up emotions eating at you afterwards. Lovely sentiment, isn't it? Nearly makes one have a tear in their beer.
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
I'm starting to worry about the dark tone my blog is taking on, what with all the Google ads for things like Lucifer Satan, Hell Satan, and Bible Satan. I would look at the ads, but I've already got all three of those.
My personal favourite is the ad entitled "See what God has provided for his children to cure gout."
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I am keeping you busy tonight...that means that somewhere, out there, underneath the same big star, someone out there is not obsessed with massive shits.
As for the dark tone, well, honey, what did you think was gonna happen with all the talk of Satan? Well, actually, I see your point. They could have just included ads for BRITNEY SPEARS...hahahahahahaha
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
I just had a terrible nightmare, that you actually mentioned Britney Spears on my blog and then...
...wait a minute; YOU DID!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Actually having Britney ads might be a good thing. It may attract more Britney fans to our blogs and we can convert them.
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
joy!
Now
my
blog
is
doing
the
weird
text
running
off
the
page
thing.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
That
is
ok.
I
like
the
haiku
look.
very
fung
shui.
Is
this
like
a
plague?
It
seems
to
follow
you.
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
SHHHHH...people will think
we have been naughty
catching viruses from each
other.
I did read the whole comment
I copied and pasted as you
suggested on my infected blog.
Oh my, that sounds terrible...I should
call the doctor.
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
(*rolls eyes*)
Get your mind out of the gutter
to make room for mine.
Comment by Adrian
Philosophy Blog
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
It all seems to be fixed now. You should come round more often, to point out any other things that need fixing at the Earache Hotel. I think the celing might be caving in, and the plumbing's blocked (I should lay off the deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches).