HELLVIS: THE ORIGIN STORY (PART III)
November 6th 2006 01:00
Hellvis was the last to perform at Brisbane's beloved Cloudland Ballroom
This is the third and final instalment of The Colonel’s verbose epic. If you’re curious about the previous episodes, just click here for Part I and here for Part II. Part II has changed quite significantly thanks to a more thorough inspection of my notes. Here's Part III.
I’d listened to The Colonel’s rambling odyssey for some two hours and was getting pretty bored. I was beginning to see were he was going with all this—for all his dark mystique, The Colonel wasn’t exactly Mr. Suspense. But it didn’t matter because what he was trying to tell me was that Elvis Presley’s demonic brother had caused the destruction of Brisbane's renowned Cloudland Ballroom with a swivelling of his hips. I wasn’t having a bar of it. That was until The Colonel laid this bombshell on me.
“Some say Hellvis died in that fire, never to be seen again. Some say that he survived and walks the streets of the heavy Brisbane night. Some say his brother Elvis faked his death, and that Hellvis went in search of him, to exact revenge and finish off the job that the big ol’ shit that nearly killed him had failed to do. Others say he was reunited with his long lost brother and they started up a Seven-Eleven franchise.
But do you know what I think, boy? I think Hellvis went back to Hell on account of accidently killin’ all those people, but was summoned back outta Hell. I reckon Hellvis checked into a li’l place called the Earache Hotel: a place you can’t find on any map. I think Hellvis's recurring amnesia is goin' all Memento, and he can only remember scraps of his past: like random Elvis references and some crap about rock ‘n’ roll bein’ a religion. I think Hellvis created The Earache Hotel to help purge the vile and rotten mark of Elvis that permeates everything he does. And ya know what else son? I think you and Hellvis are one and the same.”
I didn’t know what to say. But there were more holes in The Colonel’s story than in these underpants that I haven’t changed since last millennia. I told him that I couldn’t have caused the Cloudland Ballroom fire in 1982 because I was only two years old. I told him that Hellvis was just a dumb name I made up to post music reviews under, and that the Earache Hotel wasn’t really a hotel, it was just a music blog.
The Colonel laughed a sick gurgling laugh and dragged on his cigar, the smoke curling out from his blackened teeth.
“If the Earache Hotel is a music blog and not a hotel, what are ya doin’ servin’ me all this sarsaparilla for?”
I had to admit, he had me there. The Colonel looked satisfied at my shock, and kept going:
"That’s just it, boy. When you chose Hellvis as your name, you summoned Hellvis back from Hell. That act created a metaphysical space called the Earache Hotel, which exists as both a blog and a real hotel.”
I told The Colonel that he was crazy and that if it really happened, I would remember. Surely I would remember something like summoning a demon and creating a metaphysical hotel.
“Of course you don’t remember anything. You are possessed son, only thing is you don’t know it cuz your memories have become mingled with those of Hellvis. His amnesia is your amnesia. Just take a look at some of your posts, boy. You can’t even decide if yer a Yankie or an Aussie. You don’ t know yer asshole from yer elbow. Hell, you can’t even remember what you had for breakfast yesterday, but I’d bet it was a deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwich.”
The Colonel took a long drag on his cigar and coughed. He swigged the last of his eighteenth sarsaparilla, then got up off his barstool and stared me straight in the eye and gave me a glistening black smile.
“But I’ve done enough talking for one day, son. Let me show ya one last thing before I’m on my way,” he said.
The Colonel placed a slightly charred, sarsparilla-stained concert poster on the counter. It was advertising the show at Cloudland Ballroom in 1982. It had a picture of Elvis with horns and the name Hellvis emblazoned across the top. It was like a rock 'n' roll miracle.
And with that, The Colonel was gone.
So that’s pretty much what the Colonel told me. He was an asshole really. Didn’t even leave a tip, just disappeared as quick as he came. But who knows? His tale has certainly left me rattled since he left. Could it really be that the Earache Hotel is both a music blog and some sort of metaphysical hotel? Could I really be possessed by Elvis’s’ demonic brother? My constant shifting from Australian to American English spelling would seem to support The Colonel’s claims.
Maybe The Colonel was on to something. If anyone thinks that The Colonel was was right, or has an alternate theory, please do share. Discuss your theory as to the origin of Hellvis and help me get some sort of closure on this crisis of identity. It’s eatin’ me up inside.
***
IMAGES
Hellvis Concert Poster
(image by Hellvis)
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Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I have given this careful consideration. I have read all three parts and I have come to the inevitable conclusion that there is, in fact, a metaphysical place called...The Earache Hotel.
Now, hear me out. I have to get this off my chest. Hellvis, I know that The Colonel is tellin' the truth, darlin'...and the reason I know it's true...is because...because...well, I'm your mama. I don't know why I am stuck in the body of a hedonist like Voices...but baby, I swear to ya', it's true.
hahahaha...just teasing...I am not really your mama. Had you going though, I did. Admit it.
Uhmmm now, something I haven't told a lot of people is that I am a bit psychic. It's true. Now, I am getting something...let me see...yes. There is a bottle, it's small, possibly brown...it says something on the label...trying to make it out...oh yes, there it is, "anti-psychosis...and there is something else...yes, take with holy water...
Dust off that cap and get to taking your medication, Hellvis...right now...and the Colonel will go away. I should know...I don't call myself voices for no reason!
Loved the story! God, you are talented, I laughed so hard I woke up the dog.
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Am considering taking the anti-psychosis drugs now (with holy water of course), but then this Wonderland will fade away.
Just a thought. I don't think summoning Hellvis from Hell created a metaphysical space called Earache Hotel, because it always existed. I think it may have opened a rift in the space-time continuum that brought the Earache Hotel in contact with our present reality. But I could be wrong.
And sorry to wake up your dog.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
I don't have a clue what you just said. I think that's all just weird, the time continuum...I don't believe in all that...it can't happen. It's just not possible.
Voices~
PS...The dog said to tell you it's ok that you woke him up, he had to piss anyway.
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
I don't feel so alone now.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Did you feel that tremendous breeze that went over your head just then? That was my comment...good thing you ducked. I said I didn't believe in a time continuum but yet my dog can speak and rather profanely. Either you didn't catch that or it wasn't funny...which is entirely possible. It is late here.
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Actually I loved the fact that your dog spoke profanely and that you 'took the piss'. But this has been a pretty hectic running conversation over two blogs and four different posts. As imbued with the powers of darkness as I am, I am also, but a man (not butter man, he's a superhero that raises cholesterol).
Yes, I get it now. Very funny, very subtle. Still doesn't change the fact that I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
And any other comments would be appreciated, if anyone else is out there. Don't be shy.
Comment by The Voices in my Head
The Voices in my Head
Do you know what else I think is funny...that you have godfather advertisments from Google. Damn, but I am powerful.
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hahaha
Let's see if we can get britney on here somewhere. britney. BRITNEY. BRITNEY... (I do crack myself up.)
Voices~
Voices~
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
Did you realise how many times you typed Britney Spears in that comment? It's exactly the number of times you need to say it for her to appear in your house at night and grant you a wish. But the wishes always go wrong, with hilarious results.
Comment by Nina
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
There are many stories in the River City. This was just one of them.