RATIN': EARACHE HOTEL RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED
October 18th 2006 15:33
'Ratin' is a game that grown-ups play / Ratin' means acting in a silly way / Ratin' makes girls start wiggle walking / Ratin' makes a guy start baby talking'
I don’t really enjoy giving someone’s creative output a score out of five, and my opinion on albums can change pretty much every time I hear them. The real meat can be found in the body of the reviews. The reviews themselves are like a big ol’ crawfish: sweet, fresh, and ready to cook. Actually, they're nothing like a big ol' crawfish. Still, if you’re not a reader, the ratin's give you an idea of what I thought of the album at a glance (not that you'd know cuz you're not reading this).
While the ratin's have been carefully pondered, they are mostly there cuz’ I like the colour and the stars are downright spangly. Now here’s the breakdown:
I wanna shout a proclamation / to put this album in your shopping cart / and bow down in humble adoration / and there proclaim: Oh album, how great thou art. A CLASSIC.
Viva Las Vegas
How I wish that there were more than twenty-four hours in the day that could be spent listening to this. Get this and you’ve hit the jackpot. You’ll have a swingin’ time. EXCELLENT.
Burning Love
A hunka hunka burning love is what you should have for this album. I know I do. Feel the temperature risin’ higher and higher cuz it’s burnin’ through to your soul. REALLY GOOD.
All Shook Up
Well bless my soul a what’s a wrong with me? I’m all shook up over how good this is. I’m itchin’ like a man on a fuzzy tree (whatever the hell that means). GOOD.
Trouble
If you’re lookin’ for trouble, you came to the right place. Almost as good as a deep-fried peanut butter ‘n’ banana sandwich. You could do much worse than to pick this’un up. ABOVE AVERAGE.
That’s All Right, Mama
This won’t step on your blue suede shoes, but won’t spitshine ‘em either. Perfectly AVERAGE.
Too Much
This does all the livin’ while you’ll do all the givin’. This frustrating album just doesn’t try hard enough. Only really recommended for fans and completists. BELOW AVERAGE.
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Do the chairs in your parlour seem empty and bare? It’s probably because you put this album on. POOR.
Hound Dog
This ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog: shittin’ on your carpet and sniffin’ your genitals. It ain’t never caught a rabbit but it’s about as enjoyable as catching syphilis. Avoid like the VD. BAD.
Return to Sender
Address unknown? No such number? No such zone? Yeah, I’d move house too if I was responsible for this. It’s that SHITTY.
In The Ghetto
In the ghetto is where this album belongs. It’s a hunka hunka steamin’ shit. Worse than the sulphurous stench of brimstone ‘n’ eggfarts. Don’t say you weren’t warned. URGH.
So that’s it: the Ratin' System in all its half-assed splendour. These are just like, my opinions man, and I urge y’all to send in your own, in the hopes that we may rejoice in the warmth of rock's fiery power on the internet together. Better that than a bunch of spotty l’il nerds swappin’ videogame tips and Screech’s sex tape (by the way, if anyone has it, I need a copy for research purposes).
Thankyaverymuch!
***
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Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
I really like the originality and thought that went into this scoring system.
I think every magazine should have it. Patent it as IP (intellectual property). Can a local free-to-air (government run) radio station take it up. You know, you go in once a week and it gets your Helvis rating. They are always looking for new talent.
I think there's one in the valley, isn't there?
105 might like it - talk to aporducer....do they have a golden oldie hour where the Helvis o-meter can be employed?
register it first though because the industry feeds of itself,
as Bowie put it in the 70's in 'TIME' (Aladdin Sane),
Inscetuous and vain,
and many other last names ...
that's music media ... and if you take this as anything but sincere praise - you are paranoid!
Lilla.
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
I've been on the radio once, on 4ZZZ's graveyard shift on a Monday morning. It was great because with nobody listening, I could play any weird shit I wanted. Radio is great when there's no audience fouling things up.
I'm not sure about copyright laws but I think anything you write is automatically your intellectual property if you can prove you did it first. I think I have a rough draft somewhere that would qualify as such proof.
But for now, the ratin' system is an Earache Hotel exclusive.
Comment by Justin
Comment by Hellvis
Earache Hotel
I hope to do many more reviews once I've finished my university assessments, so I can take some of these ratin's out for a spin.
I'll need to listen to some crap albums so I get to use the nasty ratings on the lower end of the 5 Star scale. I can't wait (I think).